A painful thought (Very Emotional)

My brother is probably one of the most loved people I know. Everyone wants to be around him, wants to date him, talk to him, and even be like him. He dresses with the best style (in most opinions) and always look perfect. He is outgoing, confident, and the best dancer I know. He could put Beyonce to shame. But then he has me as a sister. When people first meet us they put us as "the hot siblings", but then they come to know that we differ in so many ways. I am awkward, I don't have the best balance and grace (as in I trip a lot and am slightly pidget toed). I get nervou s speaking to people and become tongue tied then I say sentences in reverse. I'm more of the artsy, on the downlow, sibling. How is it that we are different when we look alike? How is it that he was able to get over our abusive past, our dysfunctional family, our mom abandoning us for over two years and still trust people? Better question, why can't I? How am I supposed to be able to trust anyone when I was never able to trust the person that is supposed to take care of you and keep you safe. The person that is supposed to be closest to you that you can depend on? If I was never able to trust that person then how can I trust anyone else? I wish I was more like him. He got over it all while I still have troubles with it. It's like I'm missing a glitch in my brain that helps you overcome things. Why do I still think about everything that happened? I'm not dwelling on it, not complaining or feeling sorry for myself. I try to look forward and try to forget it but it triggers itself. When you are told by your own mother that you aren't worth anything and that she wishes you would just go away and when she tries to sabotage every chance you get at happiness, tell me, how are you supposed to feel worthy of anything? I live my life with a smile and trying to move forward with each breath I take but still, all the memories remain and all of the torment stick to my teeth while my smile hides the evidence. It hurts so much. This is just a thought that crossed my mind. I thought I would share it.

Have Faith In Love

It was raining for more than a week, so much rain it made everyday seemed so restless and gloomy. She called and said she was coming up. It was the third time she came up to see me that week. I carried her excuse of why she came all the way here and went to meet her at the nearby seven-eleven. She was standing there alone, carrying her red umbrella.

Her friend had dropped her off. It was raining and she was shivering. She looked weak

and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing not enough to keep her warm.

She said, "I miss you."

I told her coldly, "Let’s go, I'll take you home."

She did not open up her umbrella; I knew she wanted to share mine.

I said, "Open up your umbrella, andlet’s go."

Unwillingly, she opened up her umbrella and walked with me to the car. She said she hadn't eat lunch or dinner and asked if we could stop at some place to eat.

Right away I answered with a stoned heart, "No!"

Disappointed, she asked me to take her to the train station; she said she would take the train back home.

Maybe it was the rain, all the trains were full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. We waited and waited, she looked at me innocently. Being together for so long, of course I knew what she meant. I understand how she must feel when she came all this way here in this kind of weather and I treat her like this. With her soft eyes staring at me, I felt guilt and wanted to let her stay for the night.

But reality struck again, I said to her coldly, "Let's go try the other train station."

We were living in the same apartment building, on the same floor. Back then there were four of us, and we got along well. We would always eat dinner together, watch movies, and sometimes go camping. We were more like a family, but I didn't know I would end up falling in love with the only girl of the four. Maybe it was during the last year of college, having living together for two years, we developed deep feelings for each other. After she graduated she went back home, and I stayed for one more year to finish school. During that year I was only able to take the train down to see her on holidays, but never for long. That was how we kept the treasured relationship.

We were walking along the side of the road. She was in front of me and I was right behind her. Her umbrella had a broken spoke. She looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle walking weakly. Many times, she was too into thinking or whatever she was doing, drifting off the road, she almost got hit by the cars passing by. I wanted to just take her in my arms, but with the love I had for her and the constant pain in my stomach, I did nothing. On the way, we passed by the park where we use to always go.

She begged and said, "Let’s go in the park just for a little while please, I promise I'll go home right after this."

With her begging, my cold heart softened, but I still put up an annoyed face and walked in the park. I was just sitting on the benches looking like I wanted to leave. She went to the big oak tree and she was looking for something. I knew she was looking for what we wrote on that tree with a silver ink pen half a year ago. If I remember it right, it said, "Mathew and Neha was here, Mathew had tea and Neha was drinking hot chocolate. Hope Mathew and Neha would always remember this day, always loving each other, forever." She was looking around for quite a while, and then she came back slowly with tears on her face.

She said, "Mathew, I can't find it, it's not there anymore."

I felt so sour inside; there was a stream of pain, flowing into my heart, the kind of pain I've never felt before. But all I could do was pretend I didn't care, and said, "Can we go now?"

I opened up my big black umbrella, she was just standing there, didn't want to leave yet, hoping there was still a chance. She said, "You made up the story of you and that other girl didn't you? I know I frustrate you sometimes, but I'll change, can't we start over?"

I didn't say a word, just looked down and shook my head. After that we just kept on walking towards the train station, didn't say a word to each other.

Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer, but it was found early, so it was still curable. Thinking that it was okay, I started living my normal life again, and even forgot about the cancer. I didn't think about the cancer again and did not go back to the doctor. Until a month ago, my stomach was hurting for two weeks straight, and the nightmare awakened me again. First I thought the pain would go away, but it grew stronger until to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. I went back to the doctor and took an X-ray. The picture came out and there was a big black spot, which proved the truth that I did not want to believe. I was at the most glittering part of my life, but it was coming to an end. I wanted myself and the people around me to go through the least pain possible, so I decided to commit suicide. But I couldn't let people find out about my intentions, especially Neha, the person I love the most in this whole world, who still doesn't know about the truth. Neha was still young; she shouldn't have to go through this. So I made up some stories and lied to her. It was a cruel thing to do, and it broke her heart, but it was the fastest way to wipe out three years feelings. I didn't have much time, because I would soon start to lose hair and she would find out eventually. But now I'm close to succeeding, this drama would soon be over. Thirty minutes more this would all come to an end that was what I had in mind.

The train had stopped running so I called a taxi for her. We were just standing there, waiting, losing our last moments in silence.

I saw the taxi from far away; I held my tears and said to her, "Take care of yourself, take good care of yourself."

She didn't talk, just nodded lightly, and then opened up her misshaped umbrella and stepped out on the street. Out in the rain, we became two single life forms, one red, one black, so far away from each other. I opened the door for her and she got in, then I close the gate that would separate me from her forever. I stood by the car, staring in the dark window, at the first love in my life, also the last one, walking out of my life. The car started, driving into the street. Finally I couldn't hold my sorrow and the twist in my heart any longer, waving my arms rapidly chasing after the taxi, because I knew, this would be the last time I see her. I wanted to tell her I still love her, I wanted to tell her to stay, I wanted to tell her so much, but the taxi had already turned in the corner. Warm tears kept falling down my face, blended with the cold rain drops. I was cold, not because of the rain. I was cold inside.

She left, and I didn't get anymore of her phone calls even until today. I know she didn't see my tears, because they were washed away by the rain. I left without regrets. But I'm not Mathew, I'm that girl Neha, using my memory, and his diary I found after one year since he left, writing down these last words.

Hi BR! Am really touched by what u told me, If only I could do something so that u can be together again... I can only pray for u, my dear friend. Be courageous! Really, there r some people in this world that doesn't know the value to be loved truly. OK, don't rush on her, give her some time to think, it might be that both of u have gone through a very traumatizing situation, it's going to be sunshine in your life soon. If u love truly and u have faith in your love, no one can stop u. God bless u n your love!!!