A painful thought (Very Emotional)

My brother is probably one of the most loved people I know. Everyone wants to be around him, wants to date him, talk to him, and even be like him. He dresses with the best style (in most opinions) and always look perfect. He is outgoing, confident, and the best dancer I know. He could put Beyonce to shame. But then he has me as a sister. When people first meet us they put us as "the hot siblings", but then they come to know that we differ in so many ways. I am awkward, I don't have the best balance and grace (as in I trip a lot and am slightly pidget toed). I get nervou s speaking to people and become tongue tied then I say sentences in reverse. I'm more of the artsy, on the downlow, sibling. How is it that we are different when we look alike? How is it that he was able to get over our abusive past, our dysfunctional family, our mom abandoning us for over two years and still trust people? Better question, why can't I? How am I supposed to be able to trust anyone when I was never able to trust the person that is supposed to take care of you and keep you safe. The person that is supposed to be closest to you that you can depend on? If I was never able to trust that person then how can I trust anyone else? I wish I was more like him. He got over it all while I still have troubles with it. It's like I'm missing a glitch in my brain that helps you overcome things. Why do I still think about everything that happened? I'm not dwelling on it, not complaining or feeling sorry for myself. I try to look forward and try to forget it but it triggers itself. When you are told by your own mother that you aren't worth anything and that she wishes you would just go away and when she tries to sabotage every chance you get at happiness, tell me, how are you supposed to feel worthy of anything? I live my life with a smile and trying to move forward with each breath I take but still, all the memories remain and all of the torment stick to my teeth while my smile hides the evidence. It hurts so much. This is just a thought that crossed my mind. I thought I would share it.